Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Day of improvisations....

So I made cupcakes today and they were supposed to be soft fluffy white cake with a beautiful rich mocha frosting.... I made the mistake of substituting brown for white sugar and using shortening in place of the butter. Needless to say, my cupcakes are beige-ish and have the texture of carrot cake... The icing was also a flop. I followed the instructions to the letter and the icing was so liquidy that I was forced to DIP my cupcakes into it. Needless to say I am not pleased with anything that is coming out of my oven today. Therefore, I have made the executive decision that the chicken for tonight will be cooked via crock pot.

In other news I am apparently going to a bar this friday, just wahoo's nothing fancy, and am having a bash thrown in honor of my 22 orbit around the sun. I believe the hubby is just planning something small, just a couple people over here to have some drinks and chill. I really wanted a Pinata but I sincerely doubt that will happen. I just wanted to get drunk and beat the living shit outta something that is social appropriate to beat. Oh well. At least I can get drunk, attempt to play warcraft with Cody and them engage in the highly dangerous sport of drunken baking! I am thinking I will start out with making something ridiculous like chocolate mousse served in an edible cup... Very fun. It involves balloons (which I pee myself everytime they pop) and something that makes it even more risky, molten chocolate!!!!! WOOOOOHOOOO

I am really thinking I need a new hobby. Baking gets expensive, painting gets messy and working out just failed miserably. Can't stand getting sweaty and flushed... too much work. Facecrack is getting exceptionally boring, and that's more of an addiction then a hobby. Iunno, I just feel like taking up a new activity could be beneficial =)

Will write more later, smoke time now!

Wednesday, 7 September 2011


You know, I always thought that being "drug free" and sober would suck, but now that I have surpassed my 1 year mark, I am truly finding a level of clarity in the world. Now I do want to point out that "sober" refers to anything that is not pot, mushrooms or booze.  I cannot imagine how I lived through my addiction like I did; the only time I was happy was when I was rolling, tripping, high or tweaked. I look back on my life then and wonder how I even managed to function, what I looked like to other people. Then my friend showed me a movie called "Spun" as we watched it, I noticed some startling similarities between myself and one of the characters, and a even more upsetting correlation between her relationship and mine. I shook it off and kept watching, and not 5 minutes later my best friend looked at me laughing and said, "They remind me of you and your ex!" My heart sunk. I never knew I looked so pathetic and helpless, like someone spinning out of control and not even able to take care of themselves. I was a reject.

I think the only thing I held onto in that time was my family, the fact that my grandparents, my aunts, uncle, had stood there ground and refused to abandon me. Even after my mother had given up coming to my aid and had barred me from her life. I was still someone worth trying for in their eyes, something worth saving, and I am sure my mother felt the same way, she just couldn't cope with what I was doing to myself and my life.

After I got clean I didn't think I would ever want to talk about it with anyone. I was ashamed of what I had become, but the more I talked and felt like shit, the more I realized I need to talk. I needed the world to know how shitty I had felt, and that I had fixed myself. I wanted to be proud that I was able to do things for me without holding onto someone else. My body bares the scars of my addiction, but my heart has never been this free.

Whenever I feel judged or looked down on for those years I will tell that person, I beat bulimia, drug addiction and I fight (and win) a battle every day with depression and agoraphobia. I am strong, stronger than someone who can look down there nose at someone who has made mistakes. I can do anything I want and I will be who ever I want. My past is bygone and my future is splayed out in front of me, waiting for me to step into it.

I have no regrets.

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Birthday month!

So I will be 22 in a few days... I am beginning to feel pretty old. I am however beginning to feel wiser, not that it's always a good thing. I find myself feeling like I have taken a step beyond some of my friends and it's getting lonely this far ahead. Sometimes, it's as if I leave someone behind every year that I get old and like for every friend I leave in the distance, someone is doing the same for me. So many of my friends are getting married or moving towards getting their education finished and I have barely scratched the surface.

There seems like so much time ahead of me and plenty of years in my past. Often, I find myself wondering how I ever wished to be an adult. I miss highschool and all the shenanigans I got up to! (Not to mention the lack of bills, responsibility and rent!) I can't imagine anything better than going back to those days.

However there is plenty to look forward to. My next pay, regardless of what ever I want, I WILL be marching into Loyalist college and starting my criminal psychology course. If I don't I want someone to drag me in there kicking and screaming if needs be. I need to get started so that in January I can start my nursing program, apply for OSAP and get into school. I will achieve my dreams and become everything that I want.

For the longest time, I wanted to do what everyone else wanted me to, wanted to be the perfect daughter, niece, grandchild, but now I can see, quite clearly, that to do that I need to be me first. There is an obligation to oneself to grow and evolve before you think of others needs and wants.

There is a lot in my future that I need to work on, a lot of things I need to focus my attention to, but right now it is school. Keeping my eyes ahead and wearing blinders will do my no good, so I will have to learn to balance my attentions, but my main goal is within reach and once I stop over thinking it, I can reach out and take it.

In other news I would like to wish a Happy birthday to my beloved Uncle, who I am sure can't be any older than 25. And I would like him to know that he is more than just my uncle and mentor, he is my friend. That is something that can't magically happen, but something that is earned through mutual love, honesty and respect. I am glad he is there for me and I will try my best to be there for him. So to the avid reader of my blog, devils advocate at all the cottage debates and by far the funniest drunken wrestler I have ever met, here it to you!