Venting....

I am so fucking mad I can't see straight and I'm on the verge of tears.

I wake up in a good mood with a great outlook and have it stomped all over by my stupid boyfriend. I have no idea why he has changed into this cold angry bitter person who doesn't give a shit about me or my feelings but it's killing me.

Basically I am a whiny full of myself bitch and I should just be okay with a boyfriend who won't go out with me unless he gets to drink. I shouldn't be upset when he drinks away the booze I paid for and then moves on to the bottle I had for myself, because "You'll never drink it anyways." Then when I ask him to pick me up something because he is going to have his friend over to get drunk with he says okay and then doesn't bother so I'm left to watch him get drunk and stupid and have fun without me.

Not to mention he goes out with his friends on a moments notice to get hammered at the bar, but if I ask just once to go out to a movie or to go and do something I'm a whiny bitch. It's so fucking frustrating to be stuck like this... I feel like if I don't walk someone will come to hurt me, but if I walk I have to step barefoot on broken glass and rusted nails... It's like being punished and I don't know why. I try so fucking hard to be the girl he wants me to be, to do what he wants but I just can't do anything good enough by his standards.

I feel like I'm in physical pain and torn into two again because on one hand I love him more than anything and I could spend the rest of my life with him but on the other hand my heart has already been broken by someone with an addiction and a self centered personality so I know what staying will do.

Living like this hurts more than you can imagine... It's worse than any abuse that's been inflicted upon me before... I live in fear that he'll get angry and leave, or just launch more verbal blows my way, leaving invisible wounds that I fear I may die from. He tells me he wouldn't marry me because he could change his mind and just decide that he doesn't love me anymore. I'm laughed at, thought of as an idiot. Recieving no support for the things I want to do is killing me a little inside and trying to stay positive is an incredibly hard thing to do but I promised myself I would hold my head up every day and through any challenge, because I am strong. Sometimes though, that little part of me inside wishes I wasn't. I wish I had a friend to cry too, someone to listen, but everyone is so busy, I would feel like I'm taking time out of there lives for my petty stupid problems.

I don't want to leave, but staying hurts so much right now... I just wish he would be nicer to me, treat me like a girlfriend and not like something disposable. I want to mean something to him, to be a priority in his life... I hate taking the back seat to anger and addiction but that's what my life has always been and I don't know if I can change it..